The Featherweight Challenge

Of all the exercises in my new-found love of weightlifting, the bench press and the army press are my favorite. I love the bench because it was the first thing I could actually do, and I love the army press because when I wear the right tank top and do them in front of the mirror it actually looks like I have muscles.

Every time I go to bench, though, I have to spend at least 15 minutes trying to locate the puny little weights I use. I swear there are only two featherweights in the whole darn gym, and for reasons I can't understand, the two of them are never located in the same spot. Given the fact that the weight room is usually full of very large dudes, you would think the little 2.5 pounders wouldn't get used very much. But every time I try to bench, they are scattered like the wind, and I have to wander through the room, trying to look casually past all the grunting men in spandex to find my measly featherweight hanging on some obscure hook in the midst of all the 100 lb weights said grunting men are using.

The final straw came Monday, when I was walking around holding one of the renegade 2.5 pounders and had finally just located the other one on the squat rack. Unfortunately, I couldn't reach the weight without getting in the way of the man who was using the squat rack to lift over 200 pounds. So when he took a break, sweat running over his bulging muscles, I ducked around the huge stack of weights on the bar, pointed to the paperweight-esque 2.5 lb circle and said, "Are you going to use that?" I felt like Chris Farley when he tries to shape his haunch into muscles and asks the bikini-clad girl in his "manly" voice, "Uh, can you tell me which way the gym is?" The man squatting 200 lbs looked at me and laughed. And then just to be clear, in case I had mistaken his laugh as him indicating that one 2.5 lb weight was vital to his workout, he said, "No."

As I collected my weenie weight and scampered back to my bench, I decided it was time to move up in the world. This would be the last time I used the weenie weights. It's the only way to maintain dignity--and shave 15-20 minutes off my workout each morning. So today I did both sets using the 10 lb weights, and now I can't lift my lifeless arms above my head. Problem solved!