On Baby Puke

I intended to write a post about what I've learned in my first three and half weeks of parenthood, but as I was writing this I realized that pretty much all of my items learned had to do with baby puke. I don't think this is because I'm particularly fascinated with baby puke, or because I find it the most disgusting or trying part of parenthood (getting pooped on and the lack of sleep are certainly worse), but I think it's because reacting to puke is my most frequent activity these days. So, I'll save the few non-puke related items for another post, and leave this one with a clearly titled theme so the squeamish can skip it if they so desire.

There are three kinds of baby puke: (1) watery, which is thin and mostly clear, and is essentially the milk that just went in coming right back out; (2) gelatinous blobs, which is milk that made it a bit further into the digestive system before coming back up; and (3) cottage cheese, which is milk that made it all the way to the stomach before returning to make a mess of everyone's clothes. Now, you can have some variations on these three types, like a 1.5, which would be mostly watery puke with some thin gelatinous blobs mixed in, or a 2.5, which would be gelatinous blobs with a bit of cottage cheese thrown in. And of course, you can have a 1 followed by a 3, where baby pukes up whatever you just put in and then whatever you fed her the last time as well.

What may be surprising is that puke type 3 is not necessarily more gross than 1 or 2. Sure, it might smell more like sour milk than the others, but it's actually easier to clean up because the chunks can generally be wiped away (unless baby is wearing a fuzzy jumper, in which case trying to wipe up the cheese will only grind it into the fuzzy material, so it's laundry time and that's all there is to it). 1 is a pretty easy clean, since it mostly just soaks in immediately and doesn't really leave a mark. Puke type 2, however, causes some problems because the stuff is so slippery. It doesn't soak in right away like 1, and it doesn't get stuck and hold like 3. Instead it slips down the burp cloth or your shirt like egg white, leaving a wet smear behind it. And when it finally lands somewhere, there's enough substance that it can't just be left to dry because it will leave a crusty coating behind. Type 2.5 is probably the worst, because it's slippery yet cheesy, so it quickly slides into any crevice in your skin or clothes, leaving the cheese (and odor) behind when it dries.

There are also many different types of delivery methods for puke. It can dribble silently out of baby's mouth like a slow, continuous leak. This is generally puke type 1, though it can range all the way to a 2.5. It can also be more like a geyser, launching in an arch out of baby's mouth and onto whatever is nearby: your shirt, your pants, the new couch you just bought, a blanket, the carpet, etc. Sometimes this type will completely miss baby and her clothes, and sometimes baby's position and the direction of the geyser are just right so that all the puke launches directly down baby's sleeve, meaning that clothes and baby now need washing, rather than just the clothes. There is also the puke delivery method that comes with an audible bubbling sound, which is often puke type 2.5 or 3, so is cause for alarm. All of the delivery methods can come in shocking quantities, though a geyser combined with puke type 2 or 2.5 is definitely the most troublesome. Distance + slippery egg whites = giant mess.

There is no predicting the arrival of baby puke. You can burp for a good 15 minutes after feeding baby and get nothing, and then the minute you attempt to move baby or lie baby down on her back, voluminous puke comes bubbling out. You can also burp baby and get a good, solid man-belch out of your little angel, and therefore think that because all that air came out now, there won't be puke later. But you would be mistaken. You can even have a man-belch followed immediately by a geyser.

What can really catch you off guard, though, is when baby has been happily sleeping in your arms for over an hour after eating, and you look away for a second, and then suddenly look down in alarm because out of nowhere your still-sleeping baby has puked up a day's worth of food, leaving warm cottage cheese smeared all across your shirt. And this doesn't bother or wake baby one bit. Attempting to clean up the mess, however, bothers and wakes up baby quite a bit.

And finally, whomever decided that burping baby on your shoulder is the best method clearly hadn't tried it. It's true that you can get a significant volume of puke out of baby when you burp her in this position. The trouble is there's nowhere for that puke to go except onto baby once it's out. It's like lying on your stomach with your feet downhill on a slide--anything that comes out of your mouth is going to hit the rest of your body unless you soak it all up with your face first, which is exactly what baby tries to do.

If you get a cottage cheese type 3 puke while burping baby on your shoulder, baby will inevitably lift her head for a second, then her weak muscles will let go and her head will plunge into that pile of cheese, smearing it on her face and/or hair. If you get a slow leak, it will dribble down her chest and soak into her jumper. The results of a geyser are of course all dependent on the direction of baby's head at the time. (Please note that trying to control the direction of baby's head is a lost cause. I'm not sure if baby thinks she is "helping" by flinging her head and neck around, or if she's just trying to take her new muscles for a spin, but the more you try to counter baby's head-flailing, the more likely it is her entire body will end up slumped over your elbow, resulting in puke directly into your pants pocket.) If baby's head is facing down, the geyser will send puke down the entire length of baby's clothes, the burp cloth and your shirt. My particular favorite is when baby's head suddenly takes a dive to the middle of your chest, sending a geyser right down between the boobs, soaking sternum, shirt, bra and stomach before reaching its final resting point in the waistband of your pants.

And of course, you can't put baby on your shoulder without her trying to get her hands up near her face, so any puke that ends up on baby's chest and face is also all over her hands and potentially down her sleeves, allowing her to spread the joy with each flail of the arms as well as the head. This great disbursement of sour, cheesy milk can result in a very stinky baby and the need for thorough and regular bathing, but that is the stuff of another post.